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July 16 We are in the process of Movingthis blog to another space - please click here to Follow the Adventures of Empress Fussy Pants Thanks and sorry for the inconvenience! July 09 The more things change..........................the more things stay the same. Dust is settling and things are finally (sort of) trying to seem like normal. What approaches normal these days anyway. I mean - I've been through this profound life-altering experience and yet, the dishes still have to be done... there is a sour milk smell in the living room where EFP puked up a whole bottle (we have since treated the carpet and the smell is just about gone, thankfully) of milk with cereal. There are toys - little minutia of little people. Tiny teddy bears (that she has yet to express an interest in) and books (ok, there were a ton of books before... but they were mine or DHs and usually did not contain an entire forest of cardboard for one word: ball) everywhere. Balls are rolling freely in the house and I am sure there is an noticeable odor - sort of milk, pooh, sweet potatos and baby shampoo......and laughter. A lot of laughter...
There is something else, a sort of 'now what' feeling. We went through all this and had a most amazing time but my life is still my life. I still have to figure out the big stuff... where to live, where to work, what to work at, how to keep a marriage healthy, family stuff, social stuff, money stuff, political stuff... local stuff.......... and now baby stuff.
It is absolutely true that bringing a baby home changes everything. All this stuff is still so important - and I think about it constantly. Making these decisions... weighing all the factors......... endless circling options and trying to remain in touch with the values I hold important. That is particularly hard sometimes - as a child who knew want, I don't always think clearly about stuff like that. I covet the security a lovely 5br/3.5bth ranch in a good neighborhood will represent. Just like I want the $900 stroller......not because I need it or even like it particularly well - but because having it means I at least LOOK secure. No one needs to know there is something else going on in my head. I don't actually have a $900 stroller and there is every reason to believe we will not move into a 5br/3.5bth anytime soon....... but my sudden yearning to live closer to work. It is a completely rational thought, no, it really is. If I live closer to work - I can spend more time with my darling and less on the (very dangerous in this case) roads.
Of course - there are stipulations to that. It is a very good neighborhood - with excellent schools and a good mix of people...... naturally being so close to the campus. It is a very expensive neighborhood. We can afford the worst houses in the neighborhood (okay, they are still pretty good houses) and we would be toward the bottom economically. See, it doesn't make any sense though - to buy further from work.. so we are pretty limited where we can go.
Sure there are other neighborhoods - and then there is the possibility of moving completely away. DH wants to search for an Academic Librarian position - he would consider doing that upstate. If he found the right job - we would be in the position of my only having to work part time and being able to be with EFP more. Oddly enough someone asked me the other day if I would move back to where we lived before - where I mostly grew up. I suppose we could - but I don't think too much about that. I can't explain that - since I was so upset to leave there, but I just don't know. It much less diverse than where we are considering and I would hate for EFP to have to bear that. It used to be a pretty intolerant town as well - so there is that. But it is darn convenient - close to everything etc.
Switching subjects - but not really. I have finally made the (oh so painful) decision to stop getting my nails done. I am giving up my saturday standing appointment - the end of an era, really. See what I mean it changes everything. For the last 20 or so years I have had my nails done every other week no matter what. Recession- schmesession! Sick as a dog - reschedule at will! I really looked forward to this - it helped keep me sane during periods of insanity. No matter what else was going on - the nail ladies were there and could be counted on. It was my own little indulgence. I went with out food and/or meds before giving that up. Now - its not a question of money, its a question of time. I have been traveling 25 miles each way - roughly 35 minutes at that hour on a Saturday morning and I am there for about an hour and a half. So its almost 3 hours - and here is the real problem, my nails are a wreck before the day is out, thanks to all the hand washing and baby cleaning up! So its a practical matter - but its also a sea change in my life. What will I do with all my free time? HA!!
Now if this seems like I am whining - well, maybe I am a little. I have a very happy life - and all is well. But if you think you can prepare for all the myriad changes being a mother brings by reading a bit - or even taking some one's words for it, well - then you have not been paying attention! There are profound changes (no, not the nail thing) ahead that you can not be warned about. Its only when you experience it yourself - and have the evaluative ability to wade through all the various configurations your life will take - that you can really see what the changes are and I will be darned if I know how to prepare so that they don't take me completely by surprise! July 06 When I say Empress.....................I mean Empress!! Here she is in all her glory! Is my baby a cutie pie or what? I finally was able to show her off at the monthly knitting circle - and what a hit she was! Of course - I was a wreck thinking I shouldn't have brought her - but the ladies seemed to like seeing her this one time. I obviously can't make a habit of it. She looked so cute in her Chinese Princess Dress and was squeaky shoeing all over the old wood floors - then as you can see disaster struck... fish here there and everywhere.................. well, you will see for yourself!
The other little group of pics is my darling with her Zebra (a family heirloom - thanks Sissy!) and she finally learned how to use it and was all over the place tonight. She has also figured out that she can run away. When it was bedtime (and believe me it was... she was really floppy and tired!) we headed toward the stairs and then all of a sudden she was off... down the hall, cracking herself up!! She did it twice more.. and then I caught her which I believe will be my new life for the foreseeable future. She has also become MUCH more cuddly lately. I guess the books say she will progress away from me and then retreat back for comfort - well that is what is happening. She is such a darling.
Once again.............. enjoy! July 04 Hooray for the Red White and Blue.........Quiet day here, we are on the mend. That is EFP and Mommy are..... Daddy is just getting the bug now. We dressed our little citizen in the requisite RW&B and took some pics. We snapped of few of her new locomotion... and her old one, big red wagon. She really loves that wagon!!!
She has a new word and an accompanying sign (I may have accidently taught her) "EAT" and she points to her mouth! She did that 6 times today.. amply making up for the last few days with little solids. It is so cute. She has also added "down" and she points both hands down... for getting out of her booster seat. I think I mentioned that now she also asks for naps and bedtime by pointing to herself and then up the stairs. I am thinking that the next word/sign is "Uppie" and boy are we in for it then! So enough talk - here are the pix and there are more in the photo album under Fourth of July.
Funny thingWe are still under quarantine - but I think we may just emerge briefly to celebrate the Nation's Independence Day later today. I know I should be in bed... but its my last chance to burn the midnight oil so to speak.
So you all know my Velcro baby right? Well a seriously funny (ok I didn't really think so at the exact time but whatever) thing happened today.
Chloe was playing with daddy in the LR - doing whatever and she was pretty happy so I went upstairs to take a shower (needed desperately) and after clean, I wrapped my hair in a towel and put on my brand new bathrobe (summer cotton with pink flowers) and went down to check on my baby and DH.
SHE BURST INTO TEARS WHEN SHE SAW ME!!!! Got frightened and reached for her daddy!! She had no idea who I was even when I told her I was her Mommy - she looked at me like "Who are you? I have never seen you before in my life - and what the h*ll is that get-up you are wearing? And what have you done with my Mom-Mom?"
Apparently - all this time I have only ever taken a shower while she was sleeping - and I have always dried my hair and had clothes on by the time she saw me! So she has never seen me with a towel on my head!!!! Plus, although she has seen my other bathrobes (pink or purple solid color and long) she had never seen this short flower robe and I guess it just didn't sink in. Even when I took the towel off - she was still upset!!! Can you believe that!!!??????
After I dried my hair and got dressed - she was all smiles again. Weird! What is that about?
Aside from her fabulous sense of humour - which I am really in love with. she really loves to dance. I usually try to put music on each day for a few hours and when some good music comes on - we dance. We both like the Black Crowes (who knew?) the Goo Goo Dolls (of course!) and apparently my baby likes the house music..... is that a riot or what!? She loves for me to pick her up and dance around - but she also has repeated the EFP A-Go-Go standing on her little step stool and groovin to the tunes!! It is so cute! and I love the dancing myself...
On a more serious note - we are slowly getting better. EFP being sick is just so hard. Yesterday sick as I was I ran over to Targette to get the humidifier and some other medicine and I discovered a really interesting and tiresome problem.
Apparently drug addicts need protecting. Mothers of sick babies can just go to h*ll. I tried to buy two different baby meds - because the one I had didn't seem to be working all that well. I wanted one that had the dreaded... su-do-phed in it. I was only allowed to buy ONE. AND I can't buy another at ANY targette for 10 days. When I explained that I had a sick 15 month old at home, live in a duplex (I now automatically buy two of stuff like that) and wanted 2 bottles... I was told it can't be done. So sick as I was - I had to stop at another store to buy the other bottle. Actually - one bottle was a daytime formula and the other the night-time formula. I mean come on... do I look like someone trying to scam meth? Although I suppose the case could be made I did look like death warmed over since I have been sick, the baby has been sick and I had not slept well in days.... but what is the world coming to when a Mother can't buy what she needs at any one store because we have to protect drup addicts... I may even write to targette about this!
We did get two humidifiers... cool mist they look like elephants. We also bought the Penguin one but that one didn't work so back it went. They seem to help some. I slept with mine and EFP thinks hers is a hoot - she calls it clouds... like her ceiling. I really do have to post some completed nursery photos.
Well thats all folks - More soon! July 02 More UGH!OKay - WE are NOT AMUSED!
She who is the Mother - is now also sick! At least it feels like it. Sore throat (though this is how I have been feeling for weeks) and a drippy nose! I am so over this germ thing! She woke up really coughing this morning and with no appetite. She didn't drink her bottle only 2 or 3 oz and 6 oz of juice! Dbl Cr-p. I will give her some rice cereal and maybe applesauce or something to eat. She has not eaten properly in 3 days now. I can not believe this is happening again. Poor kid - she is congested and all. I will keep her hydrated and quiet. Oh well, I guess this is par for the course. June 30 UGH!Cr-p on a Cracker! She is sick AGAIN! What is up with this!? Her teacher said she suspected she was coming down with something yesterday - but I didn't really notice anything. She had a ped appt at 4pm yesterday and she was a nightmare.... of course I think that the office created the scenario - do they not get that keeping a baby waiting NAKED for 40 minutes, being poked and proded by Ped, then having to wait another 20 minutes before getting three shots.. is guaranteed to make a baby very playful and sweet! NOT!!!!!!
After having the afternoon from H-ll we tried to feed her - she puked it all up. In fact she has puked up all her meals since last night - except for her bottle this morning. I tried to give her some broth - no luck. I will try another bottle after she wakes up. This is just the most supreme suc-ieness.
My sister is trapped upstate in a diasaster area - NO JOKE! They only have electricity (sort of) thanks to some kind co-workers of her DH... they have had no power since Wednesday... no water except for bottled and all the food in her frig had to be cooked! And, here is the bad part, the roads are closed so they can't even come here for a visit and to shower and be pampered! I HATE THIS!!! In other words - I am stuck in the house for the foreseeable future due to baby sickness and my sister is stuck in her house due to acts of nature and we can not be stuck together! That stinks!!! Plus they got a new kitten and I want to see her!! But they can't upload pics - stupid electricity!
Plus - somehow I have to get to the drug store when DH gets home because we will run out of baby cold meds and I really need to get her a vaporizer or humidifier... of course she is probably NOT going to let me go so I am going to have to send DH... boogers. Then there is the actual decision: vaporizer vs humidifier?? Which to get.... I am really allergic to mold and stuff so my gut says vaporizer - but they are somewhat dangerous around babies... ugh does this ever end?? I know she needs one or the other - her nose is so dry (though running how ironic is that?) How do I figure this out? how how how!
If you couldn't tell - I am a little under the weather myself. I have not really felt well since I was last sick with her. My throat is still sore and I feel wonky all the time - which I have been trying to pass off as just tired - though that is also true. With the onset of the nightmares/terrors I have been waking several times a night and having trouble at some point getting back to sleep. So I am tired, but also not feeling well. I doubt its anything other than tired and maybe a virus. But so it is.
I just wish that there were some way to sort though everything and get the right answer.... how is any one person supposed to know all this? I say again UGH!
UPDATE: We got the vapor plug thingies and that seems to be helping a little. Tomorrow I will go get the cool mist vaporizer and see if it helps - I should have got one a long time ago for me, but you know how that is.. shoes are so much cooler than quasi medical equipment. She is still very drippy, coughy and clingy and I am just weepy and tired. She did not get any food today (that she could keep) but she has been staying hydrated - and I did give her a milk/cereal bottle and she drank two ounces. I figured out that she really has been drinking enough all along - I wasn't adding properly. It is so hard when they are sick. I did call the MD - they said it couldn't be the shots it has to be a cold/virus etc. Then they asked me "Do you put her in Daycare?" Like I just open the door and throw her in! I said "Yes, she attends a childcare center while I work!" and they said "Well, there you go!" On top of yesterday - that was just so unnecessary. But whatever - Love the Ped - hate the office. Since I wasn't already feeling bad about her getting sick again because of daycare. What is up with the stranger inflicted guilt trips on Mom's who work?
June 27 It's Official!I absolutely DO have THE cutest baby in the universe! (Mr. DeMille she is ready for her closeup!) Tonight, after a seriously rotten afternoon DH and I decided to brave the diner and eat out with EFP in spite of how her recent dining experiences have dampened our enthusiasm for food - let alone public food. Well - as suspected this little darling is an absolute HAM! She charmed literally everyone she encountered - including some very grumpy diner patrons - who I could see where thinking "OMG - They let a baby into the dining room!" By the time they were on their pudding (not free!) they were laughing, waving and trying to get nominated for honorary g-parents. Sorry - that position is filled! AND for the first time NOT ONE person commented about her being Chinese or adopted or anything other than the stunning and happy baby she is. "HI" is her new favorite word accompanied by the most adorable smile and waving hands - that absolutely no one can resist. We had a pretty otherwise normal dinner... ah the souvlaki... yum yum! EFP was not interested in her chicken though she did eat a few french fries - but she was more interested in my souvlaki and especially the yogurt sauce.
I mean the kid is already eating at least 2 yogurts (the yo'smaller than a toddler kind) each day. In the AM she has the kind with fruit and cereal and in the PM the usual plain fruit kind. I wasn't sure that was such a good idea but she really likes it and she doesn't seem to be having any intolerance problems - so I guess it will be fine. But - did you ever know a BABY to like greek yogurt sauce... OR souvlaki? Did you ever think you would have to cut a baby off from tomato sauce - because she likes it too much... ? Honestly this baby surprises me all the time. I also spent a bit of time at the baby mecca BRU. I had to get some bowls with suction on the bottom - to forestall the flinging of the bowl and I wanted to pick up a baby gift for someone. I also managed to snag the cutest Fourth of July outfit and some adorable shoes - and now we are FINALLY ready to brave the baby photographer... I think we will do three outfits.... one the Red Velvet Dress and two one of the adorable chinese outfits we had made in China. The third will be a surprise! I am really excited... I think we will try to go Sunday or even Monday since we are off from work... and I am NOT sending EFP to DC that day... its going to be a fun day... pix and then maybe the pool!! I got the floaty thing with sunshade so she can paddle around. I am too excited!!
Confidential to Miss T: I am SOOOOOO proud of how you are doing in your swimming lessons!! I just knew you would like it and I also KNOW you will be an amazing swimmer and diver! You are a brave and talented young lady and you really can do anything if you try!!
Note to Mr. T: Yea! I heard you went off the diving board with a noodle!! What a big boy you are!!! I hope you are having fun and being a good listener....... enjoy swimming! Isn't it fun? June 26 More silly babyDevelopmentally - my baby is in the putting things into other things phase. So this is the latest.... Is my clean laundry the best? LOL June 25 My Funny BabyI had written a whole diatribe on daycare based on a debate I got entangled in this week - But I don't have the heart to post it. Instead I am going to post some pix - because they are among the silliest and they show my baby's sense of humor to a tee! They also show the four bottom teeth she has (you can't see the 4 top teeth she has or the very faintest appearance of a molar!! ACH!!)
Now mind you, no babies were harmed in the making of this photo array. I am not sure when or why she decided to do what she did - I was nearby and except for one minor incident it was all good. My very silly baby - all the time she was doing this she was howling with laughter. I just love this baby!! June 23 Being EFP - any given dayI am only including some text to set up the pics I am attaching tonight. It is way too late and I need to get up bright and early to present in the morning for work. Tonight I made a dish call Pasta Bolognese Florentine (macaroni spirals in meatsauce with spinach tossed in) and as usual the Empress was supremely happy! I also was privledged to be hosting this weeks Knit-in and the ladies (or Aunties as we know them) were arriving and so I made a large batch of my pasta to feed everyone. I wanted to get EFP fed before they arrive - but as usual, she was eating, my grocery order arrived at that moment and the Aunties starting showing up all at the same time. EFP decides she is the entertainment and the faces you see in the pictures are ALL hers! She makes such funny faces.... on purpose! So here is my darling, child of my heart, future Ivy Leagurer eating dinner tonight! Buon Appetito! I am also including a picture of her all dressed up for services from last Sunday - since she looks so messy in the last pics - and then so sedate and beautiful by contrast in the first.
June 21 Being Mommy - on any given dayHonestly - there are no words to accurately or adequately describe the hardest job of them all. Mom! I mean - I start the day at a full out run getting myself ready for work, EFP ready for daycare. At any other time I would have been slapping the snooze button fourteen or fifteen times, but I can't do that now and honestly I am so anxious to see EFP I rarely hit it even once. I know I have said before how happy she is and that I am always thrilled by how happy she is to see ME, but really it's the truth. Sometimes she is up and waiting for me to go get her and other times I have to wake her. I love to watch her sleep. Especially these days - she is really suffering with bad dreams/night terrors. I think it is pretty common in these girls - I have seen more than one parent suggest that the nightmares/night terrors are worse in our kids than others.
Then there is the marathon of daycare duty and work and then home again where it starts all over. In between all that, though is a little person who is exploring her world. This is where it gets hard!! I have always admired a certain level of fearlessness (I was a quite fearful person at one time) and so when I see signs that she is fearful of something I worry and want to fix that. She is only tentatively walking on her own - and only in the "baby protection zone" and I see now that she is not really ready to be walking much on her own. I mean she seems ok - and she does like to test limits (see previous 100 posts) and all, but she really does not like to go outside her comfort zone. Now, this may seem ridiculous to be speaking this way about a baby, but I noticed a certain fearfulness in other babies and it has played out certainly.
I will also say that I do notice a sort of dogged determination in my little girl. She will keep trying something until it comes the way she wants it. So far it mainly comes out when she is trying to step onto something - or turn something over so she can step on it, or move something a certain way - so that she can step on it. She will do it for quite a while before she cranks or indicates she wants help. I have been selectively giving her a spoons so she can begin to feed herself with utensils. She is very interested and she tries mightily, but its proven beyond her current skill level. She ends up just picking the food up with her fingers - which actually is fine. She doesn't get frustrated or anything she jsut plugs along - although one could argue that throwing the spoon and food on the floor are signs of frustration, but I think that is just normal gravity (and Mom) testing. She always looks to see whether what she has dropped is still there.
No - the really hard part is wanting to do whatever is right for her. To make sure that I am helping her become what she has the potential for. I don't want to squelch her natural curiousity or fearlessness - but of course I must keep her safe. I want her to gain skills and consolidate those she has - but again, in a manner that keeps her safe. Everyday its a struggle between letting her just play with whatever she feels like playing with or making gains by structured play with me. Today - we played with her shape sorter and she was able to correctly match 3 shapes to the correct hole and dump the shape into the sorter. Consistently she was able to repeat this, then I worried am I trying to hard to make her do this - when she might rather keep putting the shape into her toy table then attempt to retrieve it through a too-small hole? Who knows.
I let her stand on her step stool - and she went all American Bandstand on me. Why o Why wasn't the video camera charged... huh DH???? She was doing a little EFP a go-go on her step stool to the theme song from Barney and Friends... I was laughing so hard I was afraid she was going to fall off. Especially since we have been able to put stickyuppies in her hair lately!! (Ponytail-ish hair thing sticking up out of the center of her head) She looks adorable and moves like a real dancer... LOL How do I know when enough is enough - let her just play with whatever doing whatever... or should I be paying more attention to make up for the months and months she had no toys or playmates?
Since her evaluations all came up that she is at least at age-level and in most cases beyond that, I don't want to squander the opportunities for her to learn or grow, but who wants a neurotic baby (with a neurotic Mom?) around?
Her new favorite word? Mom-Mom! Yes, she alternates between Mama, Mom-Mom and Ma nearly all the time. I am Mom-Mom when I pick her up from DC and when we are singing in the car on the way to and from (This week it is "Wheels on the Bus, Old MacDonald and If you're Happy and you know it" and Mama at night when she needs something and Ma all the other times. She is also saying Dada more clearly and with purpose. The other words come and go. She is ticklish in lots of spots now - though she will also laugh uproariously if I even say ticklish - so it may be more of suggested laughter rather than acutal. Again - am I exerting undue influence on her or am I guiding her to attain new social skills? I have no idea. I just like playing with her! LOL.
EFP loves to play games... peekaboo is a fav... especially when EFP AND Mommy hide together under a blanket from Daddy. She thinks that is especially funny and will put the blanket on us anytime... even if DH is not home at the time.. which is even funnier since that means technically there is no one to 'find' us! LOL. I admit it is these times that are the making of me as a Mom. When she seems so happy to be here and happy that we are her folks. It's how I get through the tougher times - middle of the night screaming with night terrors and no real way to comfort her.... I do hold her tight and whisper, but sometimes she is too far into the terror. Or last week when she was so sick and I really felt at a loss - plus was getting sick myself. I just think of how silly she can be and it's all worth every second. I know that a few months is not the whole story - I have years in which to keep gaining confidence as a Mother and all, but these last few months have been amazing. I feel, on so many levels that this has been the best thing I could have done. I have been more punctual, patient and efficient than I probably have been in years. I feel like I have been nicer in general, but that could just be because I have had to work harder at not losing my temper in front of the B-A-B-Y. Indeed, except for being sidelined with sickness - I have felt better and been happier as well as being more organized and efficient. Yes, it's all in a days work, being EFP's Mom.
June 19 Same Old Same OldBack to normal (ish) today. After yesterday's seriously sh-tty afternoon - DH's poor old car decided to quit and leave him stranded at the supermarket for 2.5 hours... we had to leave extra early so that he could get a ride to work with his lil sis. EFP is one of these kids who just doesn't like things off-kilter. She likes her sleep and likes to stick to her schedule. Luckily - the novelty of both Mom and Dad dropping her to daycare made up a little bit for it being a tad early.
Got into my office and as usual it was chaos. No news there - fires here and there to be put out by lil ol me. Well - I am hopeful that this will continue for the foreseeable future - ok not so much hopeful as sure. There is a pile of work on my desk - and a co-worker is going out of town. Fair - since I was so rude as to be out all last week what with the viruses... but that means more work.
Summer seems to go so much faster than the regular season, I hope we get to start having some fun soon. We still have not been to the pools here this year - but they are only open on the weekends till next week. Then they will be open every day and we can bug over after I do daycare pick-up. I hope I can find some shorts.. so I can hang at the kiddie pool with EFP.
Trying to keep abreast of the lit on childhood development. I am curious what I should be doing about the defiant dropping of cups, food etc. I have been trying the ignore it and calmly pick up the cup (I don't pick up anything else at this point) and place it on the table ready for her to drink - still it is getting a little annoying. Yesterday EFP was stuffing her face with watermelon and I was trying to prevent her choking by slowly handing her one peice at a time - well, of course she wants a piece in each hand at all times, plus a bunch in her mouth. As I try to limit the amount of watermelon - she realizes I am doing it - spits out a bit and then drops in on the floor. Now, you and I know that is counterproducitive to her plan, but the thing is she looks right at me and drops it on the floor. So she knows what she is doing is wrong. Another thing she does now is I tell her "Don't poot your foot on that... " She will remove her foot - then look at me and stick her foot right back where it's not supposed to be.
Now - I know enough about early childhood to know testing the limits when I see it - but I am convinced I do not want a brat. I want her to keep trying things and testing - but I also want her to have some guidance. I am confused how best to achieve this while maintaining our fragile bond. She trusts me - and she turns to me when she is hurt (usually after sticking her foot on something she shouldn't and then falling abruptly) so I want to remain that person. Today she banged her head while practising her walking while stepping on her stepstool - she was surprised more than actually hurt - but she wailed and I held her - she fell asleep. My little sweetie. This is the really hard part - walking the line between nuturer and disciplinarian. I don't feel like we are spoiling her - but I want to ensure she knows what the limits are. Ay yi yi yi yi! This is tough. June 18 Happy Father's Day! Happy Father's Day!!! A word about the guy I room with! Otherwise known as THE DADDY! Or the Love of my Life... Since I was so gratutitous as to write my own Mother's Day blog entry - it behooves us to write a few today on the eve of my DH's first ever Father's Day. Indeed - this is really my own first up close and personal experience with Father's Day also. Although I have been priveledged to have celebrated (sort of) vicariously when DH and I married 8 years ago and I got a Dad thru marriage - and believe me I have been so pleased with that. This really is the first time I am experiencing the full features of a full--time absolutely committed and involved DAD. My own DH.
He is a great Dad! It's true he sends his daughter to day care in questionable outfits - but I know when he says bye bye he is tearing his heart out at the door. Every night after dinner he cleans up the ersatz mess the Empress leaves behind and never says one word about it. He is bearer of all things.. literally. He has to pick up after her and me sometimes also. She absolutely will not go to bed unless Daddy is also there (Mom being there vital!) to kiss her good night. Since I have been sick this week and Daddy has had to take over - she has been a lot more interested in the things Daddy can do. Daddy swings her high up in the air and makes all kinds of silly noises to amuse. He is within grubby hands reach at dinner (if you haven't figured out I have issues with the meal time mess - you need to read harder) and he doesn't mind the grubbiness at all - being a champion grubber himself!
Daddy also has the heart of a lion. Considering that he has been grateful for everyday he has had - these last few years have been a bonus. Such is the life of a cancer survivor. My DH has told me countless times how blessed he feels to have been given a second chance at a happy life - and our life is certainly happy. The addition of our amazing baby is so much more than he (or I) expected and our family is incredibly enriched. In so many ways we are both people who had no reason to expect happiness - and to have achieved SUCH happiness.. is well... unbelieveable.
Here are some of the reasons I think DH deserves father of the year... First of all he spent 2 weeks in China with me - in hotel rooms! LOL Never mind that he also spent the prior 18.5 months listening to me agonize over the process, worry, query, rant, rave and in general try the patience of many saints and then we got on a plane for 13.5 hours. Not to mention the money. SO for that alone he would be a contender.
Then we got home - and for the first few weeks he didn't even rate second fiddle - it was ALL Momma ALL the time, but he bore that with his usual grace and did all he could to ensure that I was free to play that vital role. I never had to brew a single pot of coffee or do one non-baby related house hold chore because he did it for us. He managed to never look hurt when he tried to soothe her or hug her and he got pushed away... and on the occasions she did look his way - he appeared appropriately pleased - and secretly thrilled. During this whole trying time - he never once regreted our choice to pursue adoption. It has changed us profoundly. For the better to be sure.
I recall some weeks before we traveled - EFP was already a reality by then, we had her picture and some sense of ourselves as loving this child beyond reason, but DH was expressing some of the usual pre-fatherhood tremulations "But, what will happen when I get home from work? Will I still get my 30 minutes down time or time to chill at night? Will we have to be running every second? What about football on TV or quiet weekends.. huh? Will we ever get to take a REAL vacation again?" I had no easy answers then - other than "Well, it all remains to be seen." Though in my heart I knew that all (well, many anyway) those things were toast - both our lives were going to change significantly.
Since the day she was handed to us.. and she looked at us and smiled, he has forgotten all those silly little questions. If he thinks about it at all - its an after thought like "I can't believe I ever thought there was something better than playing pass the baby back and forth between Mommy and Daddy and how stupid was I?" or What better way to spend a day then just staring at our darling as she learns new words, new steps, new ways to thrill and delight us?
Then there is the way he looks at us... when I am doing something with her and he looks over and sees us - he is lit from within. These are all the reasons - I can publish -about the guy I call my husband and the father of my Child - and yes, I consider myself the luckiest of women! So when you read this DH of mine, know that I know and I love you all the more for it!! June 17 My EyesHave I mentioned I have lousy (ok really lousy) vision? Is isn't always obvious because I constantly wear contact lenses and not my glasses, though even then I think it would be hard to see just how bad it is: -7.5 in both eyes. New methods mean no 'coke bottle' lenses even for my Rx. Even now I am typing in a huge font and will reduce it before I save the post. Why am I complaining about this - well the conjunctivitis I have has made it even harder to see. I can't read or watch TV comfortably. Driving is so out of the question - even if I didn't have the strep throat it would be a bad idea. No, the problem is I am living my own worst nightmare. Not being able to see. I am such a visual person. I read constantly or knit or take pictures - all things that require sight. Even this blog requires some sight since I never did learn how to touch type. I have been wearing some type of vision correction since I was 8 years old. I probably needed it since I was 4, but that is a whole other blog entry. My vision has been getting steadily worse every year like clockwork ever since. Two years ago my vision stopped changing and I had a glimmer of hope that it would stay that way... my MD and I even discussed the possibility of laser vision surgery to partly eliminate the glasses or contacts. But - honestly I don't think about that - since the fear is I would not get improved vision - just no vision.
That is it in a nutshell - these last few days have been my own private version of h-ll. Not being able to see. I have to crank the fonts up in order to type and read on the computer. Forget books... as my niece likes to point out all my books have teeny tiny print. She prefers really big print at this point. That has been hard really. But what has been harder has been trying to limit contact with my child. I love her so much - it’s hard not to 'love on her' every minute (except of course while she is grossing me out at the dinner table... LOL) and I have refrained because both of what I have is so contagious and she has already been sick twice in the last month. I suppose when I think about it, before I was afraid about my vision was because all the things I like to do - the things I live to do are so visually attuned. Now of course the reason is different. Now - I live to see that little face. I live to see her grow each day more sure of herself and her new world. Every single day - I want to see my love for her reflected on her face. I can see it already. Not being able to see her clearly or kiss her much or hug her much even for a few days is hard. Harder still having to give up a little on the daily care I provide - though I have really enjoyed the growth in her relationship with her daddy - who I think has really enjoyed his expanded role. Of course - he is so beat at the end of the day he is sound (ah, if only he were sound-less!) asleep by 10 pm. Then I go in a bit later and listen to leno. I feel I should be immune to fear now - I have faced so many fears and been the victor, but this old fear comes back. I am staying in this weekend. DH already went ahead and picked out (and signed up) for his next golf clinic - which is all he wanted (though I am going to have to do something about that #1 Dad T-Shirt request) for Father's Day and we still have to get something for G-Pa. I thought all the gift-buying was hard before - now it is four times as hard! Especially when the Grans do not love the tacky requisite #1/Favorite/ Best in the World Gran merchandise. Oh well. I will, as usual figure it out. OK Pity Party Over. Pics next week I promise. June 15 yet Another Dark SideWhat the books don't tell you - is that when baby pukes on you - you are likly to get whatever it is that made them puke in the first place. GREAT JUST GREAT! So I have been sick all week. At first it was a sore throat, fever etc. then the fun started. And just when I begged to be put out of my misery - the virus infected my eye! That is right!! A virus can get into your eyes - I didn't even know that was possible. I thought I had pink eye - but since no one else in the house has it I asked a medical professional and she told me it might be pink eye or it could JUST be the virus. SO now I have to go to the MD - and find out how much longer I will be in the torment. I can barely eat - can't be away from bed more than 20 minutes and look and feel like something appropriate to a Godzilla movie!! (Official update: according to my MD I have Strep AND pink eye! This is apparently because my immune system is shot - thanks to that bout I had with Sarcoidosis a few years ago... it doesn't get better. More great news!)
On the up side - to whatever extent possible my DH has in fact stepped up! Now - we got off to a slow start.... when he should have come home on Monday, he in fact, went fishing with his dad. A serious lapse in judgement - since I was by then so sick I came home from work and after picking our sick child up from daycare could not go straight to bed - where I definitely belonged. In any case - EFP was pretty down herself so she went to bed early - she was only a little under the weather and was by morning back to her usual self. I guess this is another learning opportunity. DH did all the things he was supposed to - certainly not exactly like I would have, but he did keep her fed, dressed, clean and ready for daycare. He stayed home one day to take care of me and that was fine. (Really it was to wait for the new TV to be delivered - the taking care of me part was just a happy accident I guess). And he sort of gets how hard it is to take her and pick her up. Yesterday - he had to drop her earlier than usual and that kind of freaked her out - since her usual teachers weren't in yet and she had to go to the morning room. Apparently she cried hysterically when he left her there. I also heard (when I called to check on her) that she was dressed funny... great! They said "I guess daddy did the dressing today eh?" I honestly have no idea what he put her in - and she must've made a mess because she was not dressed in the same clothes she went out in.
Well - at least we know it can happen - this may come in handy in the fall when we have to figure some more things out!
So for the last few days DH has had to drop off and pick up EFP at daycare - while I writhe in hideous agony. Day time TV is no friend and I can't read because of the messed up eyes... what a racket!
June 11 The dark sideYes, motherhood has a dark side. Yesterday on our way home from the grans... EFP worked herself into such a tizzy she puked ALL over herself, the car seat and my car. While I was on the parkway. No where to stop and it is nearly impossible to reach behind yourself while traveling 55 mph and clean off a kids face..... whew! I was so furious... I just screamed STOP!
I wasn't really yelling at her - more at the universe to just make all this stop. I mean - I have to have her in daycare, I have to write a big check for the daycare each week, the daycare is making her sick, she can't go to daycare when she is sick, I still have to write the check AND stay home from work!!!!!! Plus - if she isn't sleeping neither am I! It doesn't matter that I am NOT a single Mom... is there really any such thing as two-parent household when a child is sick??? DH did try a few times to go in to comfort her..... but she really only wants Mama. She has re-entered separation anxiety big time. I think tomorrow morning will be hard, to say the least.
It's been a long week. Very little sleep for me... lots to do. Lots more I wanted to do, lots that didn't happen. I guess I have reached a plateau of a sort. I get that I am a mother now and that my needs are so far down the list they matter not at all. But there is a sort of minimum amount of things I need to do in order to feel like I am a grown up human woman. Yea, well that is so not happening this week. Don't get me wrong, I knew this was part of the package - the miserable as well as the miraculous - and I am prepared, well as much as I could be. I was not prepared for how I would feel. Honestly - I am constantly surprised by how I react in certain situations. No matter what I do - my Mom is in there and occasionally she escapes. Like when I yelled in the car. That is SO something my mother did. As if the person who is sick can help it.
But I am also enfused with love for this little person. I see her face and I realize that there is nothing I have ever done or could ever do that is more important than this one thing - to be a good mother to EFP. I still cry thinking about how amazing it is. I cry from how happy I am most of the time. I cried this week also because I just didn't know what to do - how to make her feel better. Then I messed up big - and took her out too soon. I really wanted to be at the picnic Saturday - I feel its so important to have her see families that look like ours, kids that look like she does and I don't want to waste any opportunity. She seemed better and had no fever so I chanced it and took her to the picnic. Well - I am thinking I might have got away with that - but I shouldn't have taken her to the Grans after. FOr some reason she just wouldn't settle down - cranky and fussy (well there is an F in Empress Fussy Pants after all!) and not really into being there. There again - I hate to miss the chance for her to be with family - which I feel is also important. So it was really my fault she got sick on the way home. I should not have had her out - and then I waited too long before removing her from the situation. Duh!
It would be easier if there were an instruction manual............... there isn't though. Just generalities that apply to some kids - not all. Wo knows what will apply to mine.
Message to J in ARK: Hang in there sweetie. Not a day goes by I don't think of you and little M. It will all be allright - you are an amazing person and this will come right.... just stick with it. LOTS of Love and big Hugs!!! June 10 And then the rabbit knew he was finally realYes, I am a REAL Mommy!!!!! I have laid awake listening for the sound of a cough, sneeze or puke. I have been puked on... and worse. I have stood in the kitchen with puke ON ME while I scrubbed the beloved ladybug stuffed toy - so it wouldn't smell bad when she cried for it. I have calmly wiped off her tray and replaced the food made bad with fresh - all in a single motion. I have put my lips to her forehead and uttered "hmm.... 101.2" I have gone 5 nights with little sleep... and gone to work while dear Granma stayed with the sick baby (she is also an RN so I felt ok with doing that). I encouraged DH to go in there and try to calm her.. he did... she did and so I may just send him in more often.
Is this when you start to feel entitled? I have been feeling a little like an imposter pushing the stroller... like it has been so easy that I hardly believed I REALLY a mother. Sure I FEEL like EFP's mother... but if you had seen me navigate the Maclaren you would know that I am an amatuer at best. Now - I feel I have earned the right to say I am a mother. Mentally calculating dosage and time for more at tylenol and motrin. Rehersing BRAT over and over so I remember what the letters stand for and I give her the right combination so she eats but doesn't have the other symptoms. Agonizing over whether I should give her the bottle (milk and rice cereal) because she wants it badly - but I am afraid it will not stay in. Going up and getting the little TV because for some reason this week every major appliance in the house has decided to quit - including our big TV and she is too sick to play so I can relax and let her watch a little PBS Sprout - without damaging her ability to get into Harvard later.
Trying to figure out when and if to call the ped and get in there (I did - its a virus going around and unless her fever continues or she can't keep any food in, I shouldn't bring her in) as long as she is drinking and staying hydrated I don't need to give her the pedialyte. Whew! SO far so good.
I am not sure how one is supposed to learn all this - I have literally been reading all the time these days... attachment, discipline, health issues, feeding issues... all so I can get up to speed - its not happening. I will never be up to speed - I will always be muddling through I guess.
The thing is she remains so happy even when sick. It is hard to imagine being without this little angel. DH got it so right - she is our little angel. I miss her when I am away - though I am getting better about it. Tired as I may be - I want to be with her and take care of her. I guess this is also what makes me a Mom.
June 07 Daycare Daily - Week 5Sick Again! 102.3 fever and 'other' symptoms that are clearly virus related. I guess this is the real price of daycare. Every darn virus or bacteria in the world is spread from kid to kid. Meanwhile - EFP does not sleep well when she is sick. Meaning Mom doesn't sleep well when EFP is sick either!
It has been 4 nights since I got a whole night's sleep and tonight doesn not look like its shaping up any better. She has been waking every 30 minutes since 8 pm. Though she did take a huge nap - from about 3:30 pm till almsot 6 pm, so I guess it's understandable. Now she is sleeping - but for how long no one knows. I am prepared tonight to sleep in her room if it comes to it. She is still a funny kid though even when she is sick. She wanted me to rock her every time I went in there. While I rock her I pat her back.. she reaches over and pats mine... or she pats my face.. like I am the one needing comfort! How sweet is that?
She is really going gangbusters with the crawling and walking. She learned standing and sitting today - the words and that she could do both on command. It was funny really. She walked quite a distance today - but didn't realize it at all. She is so smart... I honestly think that this is the reason things are going so well. She is smart enough to figure things out pretty quickly and take it from there. I mean that has certainly proven true in the case of daycare. She really seems to like it there and is happy to get there and happier to see me and come home.
I have a new book about attachment in adoption and I have been reading and so far - she seems to fit the description of a child well on her way to developing a healthy attachment. Certainly I wouldn't say we are completely out of the woods but she does exhibit plenty of behaviors that indicate a solid relationship with me. I wish I could say I understood how this happened - I don't but I accept it nevertheless. I also got a book on discipline so I could stay preparing. She is already at the point where she will look me in the eye and drop her cup on the floor - purposely. I know she knows she shouldn't but there is a certain defiant look in her eyes when she drops the cup for the millionth time and I know she is doing it intentionally. Luckily - this is also a good thing, its her job right now to test not only the laws of gravity - but me as well. Bring it on - I am here for the duration! May 30 Memorable DaysWe had a very restful and contemplative Memoral Day - as is appropriate. We stayed close to home and just tried to enjoy our baby being a baby. What a great idea! Guess who is crawling at light speed??? EFP that's who! And walking farther and farther on her own - though this is still not a completely consolidated skill.. she prefers to still hold hands or furniture. Though the way we have the "baby protection zone" set up she can get all around the larger part of the LR with out any help. She has also started really laughing out loud - big huge belly laughs!!! I love that sound... she has a delightful laugh and really looks adorable when she is cracking up. We are working on the tickle factor - but it goes slowly. So far she is ticklish in a few spots, but she is getting more so all the time. I think it is a question of comfortableness more than anything else.
We did go over to the folks on Monday for the obligatory meat roast. We were not disapointed! There was so much food it was crazy.. but delicious! EFP really ate and ate. She apparently likes spinach dip! Luckily the folds had a huge watermelon and guess who ate a lot of it!? Yup, you guessed it! EFP and her cousin RA! RA had his very first taste of watermelon and WELL you should have heard the complaining when the watermelon disappeared - RA ate two whole pieces! Way to go RA! EFP had eaten so much already she was good with just the one piece. LOL
Today it was back to the usual daily schedule - with a brief detour for BRU to stock up on bibs. I was looking to buy the configurable gate- but it was such a big box that I decided to wait for DH to help. Instead I got bibs and a few other necessities including the swim diapers so that I can give EFP swimming lessons. Yippee! Also got her some of the baby sunglasses - she really hates the sun in her eyes. I am going to mention this at her next ped appt. I am surprised at how violently she reacts when the sun is in her face. It surprises me because she has brown eyes and usually blue eyed people are more sensitive. Anyway - she seems to like her sunglasses - if they work out I will get a few pairs so they are easy for her to put on wherever she may be.
Here are some cutie pie shots - from the weekend. Have fun! Like the bows? Let me know and I will tell you which china-adopt mom made them so you can get some too!!! |
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